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It’s been a few years since I’ve blogged, so I figured – it's TIME! My childhood friend tied the know, and it was on my heart to reflect on my own marriage journey to provide her with some gems. It’s very easy for couples to get so engulfed in wedding planning that the marriage itself gets put on the back burner. I spend so much time with many of my couples fine-tuning wedding prep, and at this point, I’d be remiss not to also provide some unsolicited advice (in true Shonté fashion) on the other side of the wedding – like how to prepare for life after the wedding! 😊 Here are my two cents, free of charge!
I live by this! You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.
When both parties are committed to this principle alone, everything else falls into place because the level of kindness, respect, and empathy for one another will always be reciprocated.
In premarital counseling, we were given a list of times not to have tough conversations. It’s something as simple as this that can save a lot of arguments. From what I remember, you never want to have a tough discussion late at night, when one party is tired or sleepy, while hungry, or in the heat of the moment. So, when hubby does something that irks me, I wait until we’re not in the moment to call him out on his ISH!
Example: Hubby shaves and leaves his hair crumbs all over the bathroom sink. Instead of fussing at him while the crumbs are still there, it’s best to pocket the thought and bring it up out of love at another time. When you provide feedback in the midst of the action, it’s easy for the other person to feel as if their back is against the wall. By waiting, it gives me time to process my thoughts, simmer down, and address it with love.
I must admit, this takes practice, and it’s very humbling to "parking lot" something that may feel like it needs immediate attention in the moment.
My hubby and I have been quarantined together for 99.9% of our marriage. COVID shut down the world one month after our honeymoon. Since we both work from home, and we also work TOGETHER, we’ve literally heard all of each other’s conversations, bodily noises, keyboard strokes, and mouse clicks for over 5 years!
We hardly ever play music or even turn on the TV during workdays, and our home offices shared a wall for a few years.
Even though we spend an insane amount of time together, we try to be courteous and kind, like friends should be. If I go to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, I grab him one – and vice versa. Even though I’ve heard exactly how his workday has gone, we still ask each other, “How was work?” daily, and we talk about it. We cook together, make each other’s plates, and take turns ordering or preparing food.
It literally feels like a day-by-day and night-by-night adventure with my bestie! I’m happy to serve him and ask, “Can I get you anything or do anything for you?” even when I’m secretly hoping he won’t take me up on my offer haha. Just as I would be patient with my girlfriends, I try to give him that same respect.
This is not a shameless plug to plan a vacay with Just Book It Travel. But really – having a vacation to look forward to is the best. Relationships need that reset or change of scenery. When we travel, we get to have multiple date nights, and it’s the best. I could go on and on about how traveling helps couples get their groove back (together), but you get my drift!
We used to have a quarterly therapist appointment no matter what. It’s so shocking each time we meet with our therapist to recap the prior few months. I feel like we have so much action to relay to her in such short timeframes!
Life changes quickly – with changing careers, preparing to get pregnant, getting pregnant, IVF, having a baby, hormones (hehe), raising kids, LIFE, buying and selling properties, finances, entrepreneurship, family, and relationships – whew! So much can happen really quickly, and these appointments help to unpack the past and discuss what’s next on our horizon.
We recently celebrated our 5-year wedding anniversary, and I can honestly say (in agreement with my hubby) that we have had an intense argument in 5 years! Do we disagree? Ha – every day, all day. But we don’t bicker or argue much. Through therapy (and trial by fire before getting married), we figured out how to communicate best with each other.
My husband will disagree with this bullet – he hates and dreads our therapy appointments and is only committed because he knows it’s important to me. But I’m so, so sure that when you have a pre-scheduled appointment, no matter what, it’s like preventative maintenance – and it lessens the likelihood that you’ll need to schedule an unplanned one. We had enough of those to last a lifetime while dating.
I married him based on the potential I knew existed within him (haha). We stayed on our therapist’s couch while dating – and somehow, it paid off. (Be careful taking that risk.)
Disclaimer: I am not a therapist. These gems are just what have worked for me! Wishing all of our couples and their friends and families the very best love life ever. Our team looks forward to planning all of your destination weddings and vow renewals for the years to come.
